Episode 37 - The Birds & the Bees Chat (With a Sex Therapist)
Listen to the episode 👇
Episode Summary
Most couples spend months planning the wedding and barely a minute talking about the marriage, and almost nobody talks about sex. In this episode of The Secret Society of Brides, a UK wedding podcast, Georgie sits down with Miranda Christophers, an accredited psychosexual and relationship therapist and founder of The Therapy Yard, to ask the questions engaged couples are often too embarrassed to say out loud.
They cover mismatched desire and the stereotype that men always want sex more, the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire, how often couples really have sex according to Britain's national sex survey, whether solo sex is a problem in a relationship, and the myth that marriage, kids or getting older mean the end of your sex life. Georgie shares her own decision not to have sex on her wedding night, the 'every Friday night' system she and her husband once used, and why a wedding poem about rivers explains long-term love better than any spark.
Georgie also opens the episode with a practical plan for waking up with a spot on your wedding morning, and a Society member asks how to handle inviting a friend without wanting their partner there.
Key Takeaways
Mismatched desire is extremely common, and it isn't always the man who wants sex more.
Desire can be spontaneous or responsive. For many people, desire builds once intimacy starts rather than before.
There's no 'normal' amount of sex. What matters is that both partners feel happy and heard.
Marriage, children and getting older don't have to mean the end of a good sex life, but it may need more intention.
Talking openly about sex before marriage makes it far easier to talk about it when life gets busy.
There's no rule that says you have to have sex on your wedding night. Agree what works for you both in advance.
Episode FAQs
Is it normal to have mismatched libidos in a relationship?
Yes. Differences in sexual desire are one of the most common issues couples experience, and they can change over time with stress, health, hormones, children and life stages. It isn't always the man who has the higher sex drive. Psychosexual therapists recommend talking openly and without blame, understanding what helps each partner feel desire, and seeking support from an accredited therapist if the difference is causing distress.
What is responsive desire?
Responsive desire is sexual desire that builds in response to intimacy, touch or connection rather than appearing out of the blue. Spontaneous desire, where someone feels like having sex before anything has started, is often portrayed as the norm, but many people, particularly in long-term relationships, mainly experience responsive desire. Understanding this can take pressure off couples who assume a lack of spontaneous desire means something is wrong.
What should couples talk about before getting married?
Alongside money, children, careers and where you'll live, couples benefit from talking honestly about intimacy: how often each of you would like sex, what you enjoy, what you'd like to try or avoid, and how you'll handle changes in desire over time. Agreeing to keep talking, rather than having one big conversation, makes it easier to raise problems early as life gets busier.
Do you have to have sex on your wedding night?
No. Many couples are exhausted, emotional or still celebrating at the end of the wedding day, and plenty choose to wait. There's no right or wrong approach. Talk about expectations beforehand so neither of you feels pressure, and plan time together on the honeymoon or in the days after the wedding instead if that suits you better.